Are you enjoying the fine, Summer weather? Eating potato chips in the nude? Uhm, making out with your go-to blow up doll; what is her name again? Is it Kandra? Kandra, what is that, is that Eskimo? Well give Kandra my best, and let her know I fully intend to pay her back that $8.78 for the Arby's meal. That was the best $8.78 I've EVER spent, FYI, for a regular roast beef, curly fries and a soft drink. A soda, or pop, if you prefer the Midwestern nomenclature. The roast beef(I use the terms loosely) is the Mary Wilson, but the curly fries are the Diana Ross fosho.
I really hadn't slept well previous to my consumption of said Arby's meal. But ever since that blessed occasion, akin to consummating a romantic union of mind/body/soul, I've slept like a puppy. My mind was cleared. It was a breath of fresh air; the freedom of knowing I'd ONLY spent $8.78 for some mystery meat, unfrozen fries and a soda that tasted of watered down cup material.
How do Mr. and Mrs. Arby sleep at night; if that's even your real name! Plus, they don't even have a douchebag ass clown or creepy ass king to schlep their crap and distract the little ones from the fact that they lovingly consume meals not fit for the roaches and flies that feast upon the remnants. Lie to me Mr. Arby! Give me a mascot, like a flying dog or an old lady that chain smokes cigars and tells off color jokes. That would have curly fries and shitty sammiches flying out the doors faster than you can say "WOWZERS!"
Now, I know that some of my peeps, even those who consider themselves to be culinary experts(swoobaca, I'm looking in your general direction,) enjoy the occasional "fast" food indulgence. I myself am I member of that group, minus the whole culinary expertise thing. Sure, a Big Mac TASTES good, but half the time, I end up wondering why I didn't just eliminate the middle man and throw the cursed burger in the toilet. It goes in my mouth and then, 20 minutes later, out the other end, like clockwork. It's as if my stomach is telling me, "dude, are you fucking kidding me with this shit? I'm not even sure what that really was, but it needs to get out of me sooner than later." Five days later, brain is saying, "MMMMMMMMMM arbys. Pull call over now, consume $8.78 regular roast beef meal cause you are razy American and you liked them when you were still pooping in your pants." Stomach is like, " DUDE! What did I just tell you FIVE days ago!"
Maybe my guts don't have shit for brains after all. In fact, my guts seem to have a more logical approach to how I should makes decision that my shitty brain when it comes to food........
...Maybe I should start listening to my stomach more. My brain hasn't fared me well thus far in terms of my love life. I could axe stomach things like, "what did you think of her old chum?" "mmmmmmmmmmm" stomach says. "What's that old friend, gurgle means she's a neat freak? Oh wow, thanks old man, you are a true friend indeed!" "What's that old man, she has commitment issues?" Stomach says, "naw man, why'd you eat that grilled, stuff burrito dawg? Pull over, we gotta get rid of this"
Love has been on my mind for the last few days. I sometimes wonder if my perception of what love is resembles the general consensus. So, I decided to do a blackle search of "love."*
* on side note, once you go blackle, you never go backle.
So, what comes up first?:
The Wikipedia definition. Any jerk with a puter can update that thing. NEXT!
The Love Calculator. You enter your name and someone else's name and it calculate the chances of a successful relationship between two people. Divorce lawyers, the world over, simultaneously experience the sensation of their anuses clinching. I'm fairly certain this site was designed by Mr. and Mrs. Arby. Stop frontin' Arby's! NEXT
The Beatles LOVE. Cirque du Soliel show at the Mirage, Las Vegas. "All you need is love! Ba babababa" Right, thanks asshole. Can you point me in the direction of someone who will reciprocate this love? Maybe if I invented rock 'n roll music for white people(sorry Elvis) I'd have no problem finding love in every direction I turned. Thanks, thanks for that. Who was that, was it you Lennon? Lousy hippy. NEXT
LOVE Nightclub NYC. Hmmmmm, thank could be a place to find a lovely woman, capable of reciprocating my love. Or, more than likely, a lovely case of Herpes. Ahhh, herpes, is their anyone you can't burn? The lovely curse that keeps on giving! AHHHHHHh, come here little herp; you're naughty! NEXT
How to LOVE-wikiHow. Uhm, yeah, not quite that desperate. I can picture some geek, taking a break from a serious fight in World of Warcraft, pushing his glasses up on his nose, thinking, "FINALLY! I almost gave in and ordered Natasha from Leningrad. This will be a much more affective solution." here is the gist of the site's info:
Steps
- Say it. When you say the words "I Love You", they should carry with them the desire to show someone that you love them, not what you simply want to feel. When you say it make sure you really mean it and are willing to do anything for that special person.
- Empathize. Put yourself in someone else's shoes. Rather than impose your own expectations or attempt to control them, try to understand how they feel, where they come from, and who they are. Realize how they could also love you back just as well.
- Love unconditionally. If you cannot love another person without attaching stipulations, then it is not love at all, but deep-seated opportunism (one who makes the most of an advantage, often unmindful of others). If your interest is not in the other person as such, but rather in how that person can enhance your experience of life, then it is not unconditional. If you have no intention of improving that person’s life, or allowing that person to be themselves and accepting them as they are, and not who you want them to be, then you are not striving to love them unconditionally.
- Expect nothing in return. That doesn't mean you should allow someone to mistreat or undervalue you. It means that giving love does not guarantee receiving love. Try loving just for the sake of love. Realize that someone may have a different way of showing his or her love for you, do not expect to be loved back in exactly the same way.
- Realize it can be lost. If you realize that you can lose the one you love, then you have a greater appreciation of what you have. Think how lucky you are to have someone to love. Don't make an idol of the person you love. This will place them under undue pressure and will likely result in you losing them.
Ahhhh, here's a little curveball. CATHOLIC ENCYCLOPEDIA: LOVE. Velly EEENTERESTING. This is a version of love I hadn't pondered since the old days at Catholic school(don't believe that, I cared way more for Graphix than I did God at that point) Charity; love God, love thyself, love thy neighbor(even if their cat nearly kills yours.) Hmmmm. So maybe, if I had an enhanced spiritual sense, I could improve myself as a person and child of God and the holy spirit and then be in a better position to find my soul mate and to reciprocate their love? I'll DO IT! Right after I stop at Arby's. EFFE! They forgot the horsey sauce. Stomach: " I give up. I want a new Body and mind." This one is not working for me."
Well, this seems like the solution I was searching for. Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Blackle. Work on the Arby's for me, will ya? Lousy bastards. I will study the bible; meditate; whatever it takes to get in touch with my spiritual core. I will attend Church; synagogue; wherever Muslims; go wherever it takes to share in the holy spirit with my neighbors. I will surround myself with people who share in my new found belifes, pray to God facing Mecca twice a day and three times on Tuesday. I will buy a cross and a Yakima and a robe and a turban. I will adorn my home with religious trinkets and worship.
You know, this is sounding like alot of work. I need some food to think this through properly. Oh look, Arby's! YAYYYYYYYYYYY!
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